My Nana and I always had a special connection. I've done a lot of thinking since she's passed away, and it made me realize how special that connection was/is. I've only had that connection with a couple other people. Although I'm only 27, I doubt there's going to be many more people I come across that I share that kind of connection with. My Nana understood me. I spent many nights and days talking to her. Sometimes we didn't even need to talk. We usually agreed on everything, but when we didn't, she was always the first to tell me. She wasn't afraid to tell me if I was doing something she didn't approve of. She didn't hold back on telling me how proud she was of me.
My Nana passed away 18 months ago. It's taken me this long to write about her. To this day, I cannot look at her picture without crying. I am crying right now as I type this.
I look at her picture almost daily, so this tells you how much I cry over her.
I cry because I miss her.
I cry because I want my boys to see her.
She loved Diesel so much. She commented daily on Diesel's Facebook pictures (yes, my Nana even had Facebook). She never met Sawyer, but she knew I was pregnant without me telling her. That was the connection we had.
I can remember getting the phone call from my mom telling me that my Nana was going into the hospital. She was sick. I really thought it was a temporary thing. She was one strong, old lady. But, me being worried, I packed up my car and me, my husband, and my two-year-old drove 500 miles to see her in the hospital. As soon as I saw her in the hospital bed, I began crying. I knew it was bad. She was sitting in a chair and told me to stop. She said there was no need to cry. "I'm not dying yet." After she said that, she looked at me and asked, "Are you pregnant?" David and I had just found out a couple weeks earlier that we were expecting #2. We hadn't told anyone other than my sister, his brother, and my best friend. We hadn't even had a doctor's appointment yet to confirm. I looked at her and said, "No." We sat and visited. We talked about Diesel Dan. Diesel wasn't allowed in the ICU, but we sneaked him in for a second. Nana wanted to see him, but she didn't want to scare him with all the medical equipment attached to her. David got yelled at by the nurse for it (which made David feel horrible). That night we stayed with family. I felt horrible. I had lied to my sick grandmother about being pregnant.
The next day we went back to the hospital. I decided to tell her the truth. I sat down in her hospital room and told her that I had lied. I was pregnant. She looked at me and said, "You didn't have to tell me. I already knew." Nobody had told her. She just knew.
We spent a few days visiting her, and then we had to go back home. I had a room of second graders that needed a teacher. I really thought my Nana was getting better.
A few days after we got back to Oklahoma, my Nana got worse. She passed away about a week later. I can still remember the last time I talked to her. I got to tell her that I loved her. She told me that she loved me too. I will never, ever forget that. I am so thankful for those two sentences.
David quit regretting taking Diesel into the ICU to see her.
We drove back to Missouri. We got there a couple days before the funeral. It was so hard for me to stay in her house. Even though my Papa was still there, and I wanted to be there for him, walking and sleeping in that house was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I just kept walking around waiting for her to appear to me. I guess I felt like if she could, she would talk to me. She would tell me what heaven was like. I can remember walking back and forth in the upstairs bedroom for hours. Just waiting and wishing I would get to talk to her again.
Although I was surrounded with my Nana's things, I didn't feel like I was close enough to her. I wanted something more. I walked into her bathroom, opened her drawers, and found one of her favorite necklaces. It was still covered in dirt from her gardening. She loved to garden. I put on that necklace and didn't take it off for months.
I went into labor with Sawyer on November 7, 2010. I wore her necklace to the hospital. When they asked me to get into the hospital gown, I took everything off except for my necklace. I wanted my Nana to be close.
You see, my Nana was there when I had Diesel on November 12, 2007. She drove from Missouri to Oklahoma to see her first great grandchild being born. She was one of the first people to hold him. It was such a special, beautiful time.
I wanted her to be there when Sawyer was born, too. I thought wearing her necklace would help me feel like she was there.
Well Sawyer was born, and the first thing he reached out for was the necklace.
After Sawyer was born, I stopped wearing the necklace all the time. It was hard to wear jewelry with a breastfeeding baby. Everything was tugged on and in the way. So, I put the necklace with all my other necklaces. I would still wear it whenever I felt like I needed her close. I would wear it at least a couple times a week.
Sometime in February 2011, I went to put on the necklace. I was worried about something and needed her close. I went to get the necklace, but it was gone.
I was heartbroken.
I knew what had happened. Diesel knew how important my necklace was. I called it my "Nana necklace". I'm sure Diesel wanted to look at it and touch it. I'm sure he took it off my necklace hook.
I searched everywhere.
I dumped out every drawer. I looked through every toy box. I took apart furniture. I checked the cars. I checked the trash. I searched for six long months. Not a day passed without me thinking about it. Not one day. It was constantly on the back of my mind. I begged my Nana to tell me where it was. I would pray every day. Even my husband was constantly keeping an eye out for it. He knew how much it bothered me that it was missing.
My Nana's birthday was August 13th.
On August 14th (Sunday), 2011, we were getting ready to go to church. My husband pulled a pair of shoes out of his closet. A pair that he hadn't worn in a while.
My Nana's necklace was inside the shoes.
Do you know what I think? I think my Nana was allowed a birthday wish in heaven. She wished for me to find her necklace.
The dirt from my Nana's garden is still on the necklace. I will never wash it off.
I will wear it whenever I need her.
Time has passed, and the wounds are still there. I know my Nana is watching over me. I can't wait to see her again.
